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my jernal
June 2006
Monday, June 26th, 2006 01:54 pm

I've been in a funk ever since I moved out here. And I'm not okay with that. I don't like dancing, unless I know I'm going to see friends there, and then I'll pay a lot of money on a last-minute plane ticket just so I can see them. If I go out dancing any other time, I end up standing/sitting on the side for most of the time because I don't want to ask anyone to dance. Part of it is 'cause I've become a fantastic dancing snob as of late, and the other parts are probably insecurity/boredom/shyness/laziness. Whatever. I'm lame and I know it. There are a lot of things that I should change in my life, but I have never ever mustered up the strength to make that kind of change.

I really don't like where I'm at in my life right now.

waiting for something to improve, debating whether or not to take action now or later...

I don't want to spend my life waiting, but I don't want to be rash and do something I will regret later.


Monday, January 23rd, 2006 01:16 am
i'm tired of living in fear of others' reactions. i'm tired of letting that influence my behavior and life. i'm tired of letting people walk all over me.


Thursday, December 15th, 2005 11:03 pm
I drank a diet dr. pepper on accident today.

I think I liked it.


Tuesday, November 29th, 2005 12:13 am
Even though I can think of only two people who might read this, I will update my journal and temporarily end the updating hiatus.

As requested by uglywannabe, an updateCollapse )


Wednesday, July 20th, 2005 06:34 am
This is how I feel about boys:

Yeah. In case you can't tell, I'm frustrated.
I want to jump up and down screaming and throw things.
Maybe even my dancing shoes.


Wednesday, July 6th, 2005 06:31 am
I was all proud of myself for saying "no." Twice! You see, when it comes to pretty much anything, I can't say no. I feel bad. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to regret not doing the work. You understand, don't you? I have a guilt-complex. My mother must have rubbed it off on me. I was absolutely fine saying "no" when I was in high school. I would even tell people what I thought of them for asking. Okay, I was evil. But something happened and now I'm a wimp.

So I said no to a job. Twice. I'm in the middle of finishing up editing a book, and things are psychotically busy because I waited to get it all done until now. And then my roomate's mom asks me to proofread her thesis. Normally, this would not have been a big deal, but the timing was all wrong. After I said no the second time, my roomate called me and said her mom would up the price to a flat $100, and that she'd bring it by so I could sample some and make my decision. This was Sunday night. She brought it by after I had gone to work that night, so I didn't get it until Monday morning. The note on the manuscript said that she needed it done by Wednesday night, and that if I couldn't do it to give her a friend's number so that way maybe my friend could do it. Who, in their right mind, would agree to proofread a 81-page manuscript in a day? No one. I wouldn't, but I felt bad saying no since I had no one to fall back on to do it for me and I felt bad about leaving her hanging. I wasn't about to ask a friend for that kind of a favor when they are just as busy as I am. But I shouldn't feel bad. She should have found someone at least a week ago, so really, I should have said no and it would have been her own damn problem. But I didn't.

So I agreed to do it, and I'm almost done. But that means that all of last night/this morning I couldn't get any work done for the book I'm supposed to be working on. And I hope she doesn't care that I didn't do as good of a job as I could have done. Grrr. I hate manipulators. She's also the one who wants to have an "apartment date" (super-formal with place cards & a four-course meal), when no one wants to do it except for her and one other of our roomates. The other three of us have to find dates anyway because we can't say no. Oh well, it's just a few hours to endure rather than spend the next two months avoiding her rath.


Sunday, May 15th, 2005 04:59 am
Feeling crappy again. It's the light-headedness I get every once in awhile, but this time I have an upset stomach with it along with some other stuff. If it's not better by Sunday night I'm going to the doctor in the morning. They'll probably tell me they don't know what it is "sorry," and charge me money for their "services." What a joke.

I'm looking for a second job. I'm only getting 3 days at this job, and I don't want to sit on my butt the other 4 days of the week doing nothing. I have enough money to pay for all of my bills for the summer while working the one job, but I'd like to save up some money for paying off loans before I actually have to start paying them back. I'd put whatever money I make from the second job right into my savings account.

Contrary to what this post seems, there are good things going on in my life right now, but it's easier to focus on the not-so-good stuff 'cause it gets most of my attention.

I have no idea what to do with my life come August. Should I stay in Utah and find a good-paying job, move back home, or do something entirely different? The problem is I really like it here, but I don't know if I'd be able to find a job that pays really well. I know that I'm needed here, but I feel as though I could do just as many good things in Cali as well. What should I do???

Current Mood: discontent


Sunday, April 17th, 2005 01:56 pm
Frustrated. I want to throw things. And I slept through church.


Friday, April 15th, 2005 09:01 am
Hmmm...uglywannabe acts 8 years older than her age. I act 5 years older, supposedly. I suppose this makes sense since my closest friends are around that age.

You Are 28 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.


Tuesday, April 12th, 2005 12:01 am
75 questions, stolen from UglywannabeCollapse )